Forum Curhat

family can murder you 

I know nobody will take me seriously just because when i told them im just 17 

i feel depressed and thought that i have anxiety but im not sure

what my first point is

The problem came from

Family 

I feel so wrong saying this

My family

My dad is so strict and so is mom 

I barely even know my dad we live in a same house

But we just talk like 2 words per day 

He's hot headed and just too harsh 

So strict

My mom always so worried about anything she always think about the worst thing that may happen to her kids

They are kind, they provide me 

They give me money ,car even the gas they would pay for it ,food ,buy me clothes ,take me to many places ,holiday , dinner,  but i dont know

My mom provide me affection but i just i dont know im just fed up

My dad shows affection from money 

I spend years lying to them each day

Oh my god 

I am an arabian 

We only marry arabians too

And i have this man whom ive loved for 4 years and hes non arabian 

And my parents prohibited me from loving a non arabian and my relationship has to go on a backstreet type of relationship

I have to lie each day

I have slept with him and **** 

I know i know youve judged me by now 

I know youre now thinking im too young to think about it 

Im just 17

But my sister got married by 18 

Shes forced to do it but luckily now shes happy and has kid

Oh my god

Theyre so strict

They dont like me to make friends with boys i think 

I always have to be home by 5 

I cant go out at night

Mom would always call me to ask where the **** am i 

I barely talk about anything to them i never talk about how i feel how i have something weigh in my heart

Whenever i tell them im tired mom would always say whats your tired about im working from 5 am to 6 pm im just more tired than you

And im always sleepy even if i had enough sleep

Would they ever think that im not that kind of 'tired' 

Im tired emotionally 

My mom would always made me go to my sister house

They force me to do the things i dont want to do

My sister depend too much on me 

Just because she had a baby

And when i dont feel like doing it they made me feel guilty about it

And my mom would always tell me its okay it would be a lesson just how to be a mother 

i dont want that 

You know what

I just want to live

I just dont want to lie

I feel pathetic

Im also an anti social person

I cant talk to anyone 

I cant make friends

I wont really talk to anyone before they talk to me first

Im just lucky i have few friends just because they talk to me in the first place 

I think Ive become a two faced person

Oh my god

I want to be with anyone i please

I think my family is toxic

I think my relationship with my boyfriend is toxic

I think i am toxic

I think i am the problem 

I want to live

I want to breathe

I want to rule myself

I dont know what the **** is wrong

I am so afraid to rebel against my parents my dad is so scary when he gets angry

Im in college now and i have only 1 friend and im just too unsocial 

When this friend i only have dont come to class that day i'll be alone 

Some people will talk to me but its just that theyre not too interest in talking with me i can see it i know it

I feel like im too attached with my boyfriend 

Because when he isnt there

I dont know what to do

Im sorry this notes become so messed up 

I used to cry for no reason since i was at 6 grade elementary school which means i was just 10 years old 

Ive just realized now that the 10 years old me is the first start when i feel ****ed up until now

My father has 4 wives and 14 children 

Were arabian 

You know what

Just from that fact

I feel ****ed up 

I hate to be born in this family

I just want to live like anyone out there

My boyfriend got a problem with his parents and got no money 

And half of my money goes to him

He always said my problem is no bigger than his

And i think just because one have money have nice family car and **** doesnt mean they cant be depressed theycant have a problem

Ive tried suicide once by hanging myself 

Because my boyfriend cheated on me

I think earth life and people i know just wont let me be happy